Stingy

 I just realized something about myself today. 

I have very good control over things I need to spend on. I can be very cheap, but I can also put in a lot of money once I've decided on something. Otherwise, I really have good control and I usually hesitate and do double takes, go through countless days of thinking, even ending up letting go of my interest on something once I figure out I don't really need it. Sounds good, right? This should save me a lot of money.

Unfortunately, there's a darker side to this.

I'm a big glutton when it comes to things that are free. It feels uncomfortable knowing that resources are being wasted, and that's why I usually end up maximizing things that would otherwise be put aside. It's fairly normal for me to be compelled to finish food even if I'm already full, or eat food that others refuse to.

There. I'm glad I'm getting this out and I'm finding out more about myself. 

I'm not sure what to do next to unlearn that second tendency. Ugh.

I can't live without music..

 Music really does make the world go round. I can't imagine the world without it. I feel like it's one of the things that really set us apart from other beings. I know music is pretty subjective, but I've come to appreciate many genres as the years went by. The ones that I couldn't stand from a few years back have now become a regular part of my playlist. 

Honestly, it's one of the best things about being human. I know that we've done a lot of shit that kind of makes us feel worthy of extinction, but this for sure isn't one of them.

Tailor-made..

 You are not weird..

You are tailor made for your brand of people.

After 10 years..

 Honestly I'm just surprised that this blog still exists and that I was able to find it. That's a feat in itself. I didn't realize how much I've used it in the past and I'm pretty impressed with how my younger self made use of it. A lot of my older musings can be pretty cringey, but I love how authentic they are. I read bits and pieces of them and I can still remember some of the things going on in my head at the time. I think my English has more or less stayed the same, but the way I expressed myself back then was definitely better than how I do now.

In any case, I guess I'm just gonna go with an update on where I am at the moment. This ought to be fun.

I am now 36 years old. Turning 37 in a 5 days. Yikes. Who would've thought that time would move that fast. Ironically, I did say in one of my older posts that "Eternity is but a minute" or something to that effect. I guess there really is some truth to that. Next time I blink, I'd probably be 70. Or not. I don't really mind dying sooner as long as it isn't painful and excruciating lol.

I am also now married! I married the girl who saved my soul from going down a downward spiral. I remember being fairly hesitant then, just because I've always been indecisive but also because I didn't expect her to come into my life that soon. I remember things moving really fast the first few months and it's become a running joke that she was the one that came into me. I love reminiscing about it. There was no other person who made me feel valued and special and amazing and worth living for besides her. She's beautiful, amazing, and I would like to think I deserve her. One thing that's weird is that it took us almost a decade before we got married but I've been sure about her in around just 3 years. If I were to live forever, I totally won't mind spending it with her.

We kind of have our own house now. Granted, I'm not in full control since it's kind of still the house of my mother-in-law, but hey, it might end up being ours soon enough. I totally didn't expect it, but I guess that's the universe being kind for a change. I've always been someone who never expected, nor chased after gifts, so this is definitely a welcome change. Only catch is, it doesn't have a garage, and the neighbors are pretty..ummm..quirky. Since we're located towards the end of a street, they're pretty unavoidable.

Next up, we have a car, and I can drive it. Who'da thought, eh? I never imagine having a car this cool and that I can drive pretty well. Honestly, it's been a long time coming, but better late than never, right? Haha. We named the car Tala, and she deserves every ounce of that name. She is gorgeous, stylish, high-tech for its time, and she shines. She'd be perfect if it weren't for the fact that she chugs gasoline like a cactus in the desert. but hey, you take the bad with the good. I have no regrets buying her and she'll definitely be in our stable for a good solid while.

At this point, my sister is also married, with a kid, and she is adorable as hell. I'm a legit uncle now, and it's a pretty funky thought. I'm not crazy about kids, but I'm willing to make an exception for her. I'd love to be a cool uncle, since we don't really have plans on having kids. Yeah, that'd be a cool future. I'd be the cool, rich, uncle. I dunno how I'll get there, but I'll definitely die trying. Now, if only my sister would stop posting too damn much so that my niece would be less available to the public's eye lol.

What else. Ah yes, I am now absolutely an unbeliever, and I couldn't be any happier about it. I've realized how religion is just a set of systems that are built to control societies and keep people organized. There is no consistency in it, nor is there an explanation for a lot of my questions. At the end of the day, it's all gonna be about faith, and I'm all out of it. Losing my religion was a song that was highly appropriate towards my journey here. Honestly, I'm very happy that I'm now a full man of science and that I've unsubscribed to the system. I can still see some good in its existence, since it helps society be what it is and holds chaos at bay, but damn, the dogma just got too much for me. I even see my previous life from a lens of regret, and I can imagine the amount of time I wasted on the shit. Never again.

In terms of the special people in my life, I have my two besties, a guy and a girl. My guy bestie is still the same since we were kids. He's found a good and niche to hover over, and he's definitely achieved a degree of success that he probably never would have imagined. We both agree that we kind of lucked out on our partners, because his' definitely builds him up by a lot. I'm happy for him. I really am. I just wish his defense mechanisms weren't unbearable at times. Nevertheless, I love the dude.

My girl bestie has become one of my top confidants ever. I've always had good synergy with girls, and I feel very comfortable being close with them. But I have totally decided to ditch everyone else since it's pretty pointless at this point. She is an exception because she legit feels like a buddy, and she mirrors a familiar side of me that I generally enjoy. She's definitely for keeps.

I can't believe I forgot this last bit, but I'm earning almost 80k php, and I never would have imagined that I'd earn this much this soon. That's not too bad. Or at least that's what I used to think. Now I'm looking to get to 6 digits to fit my needs, but I'm just a tad too lazy to get out of my comfort zone. I really need to get out of this rut. I work in Rocket Station, a staffing agency, and my job is to be a manager to a bunch of mostly amazing people. I swear, the job in itself is pretty fulfilling, but leadership is something I'm not really too elated about. I've said this over and over to friends, but I'd rather be a highly paid specialist. Tall order considering I'm in the philippines. The job hunt hasn't been easy.

Financially, me and my wife are okay. We have some savings, we have investments through our investor friends, and we both earn a respectable amount of cash each month. That's not too bad, but I still feel like we both can do better. She's currently trying to start a sticker business and we're both excited for it. Let's see where this goes.

Finally, my art has gotten soooo much better, but my consistency or lack thereof, has remained the same. I dunno why I don't draw more. I really should. You really should, Daryl. You know you'll be happier if you do. This is the career I generally want to have as my endgame, but damn, I'll be completely honest and say that it feels like a chore. 

That's about it, I guess. I need to sleep, and I'm tired of typing. Ciao, blog. I missed you.

Regrets and Counting..

This post goes out to you..
A most precious person i've hurt beyond measurable pain..
A person who do most likely won't be able to read this..


I WAS WRONG.

I was selfish and blinded at that time, looking at the prize in front of me instead of saving something that was more worthwhile. What could have been a beautiful friendship desintegrated into nothing because of my actions. I betrayed you, spit on the wound i caused and drove you to the ground without considering what you were going through. Had I been in your stead, I  might have done the unspeakable to hurt you back.


YOU WERE RIGHT.

There was nothing wrong with the way you acted. I pretended to be callous, to be insensitive to your hate, but I knew that you were right all along; the spite you had for me was well deserved. You did nothing wrong, and you were merely trying to get back on your feet.


I AM SORRY.

I've said this a million times before, and i meant it every single time. I've no excuse for hurting you, no reason to deny whatever i did, because I know I was wrong, and that's how it is. Every time I remember you, I see myself as less of a person, knowing I did what I did. I was a jerk, to say the least, and I deserve more than the anger you threw at me.

You will never be able to read this, and there's no way you will ever forgive me for what I did. But I hope, wherever you are, you meet someone who makes my wrongs right, and restores you and gets your beautiful soul back together to how it was. You are beautiful, much more than you know. We were never meant to be, but that much, I am sure of.

I can never take back anything that I did, but just so you'd know, if it's any consolation at all. I will carry regret in my heart all my life, for the pain that I've caused you.

Predictable..

A friend once told me that the word PREDICTABLE was one of the worst words you can use to describe a girl. She had a point, and one that is full of wisdom. Predictability is one of the last things a girl wants to be, right?

That means you're a given. You can be taken for granted. You are not special.

I'm an artist, or so i say.
Am I weird? Some people I only think I am.
Am I unique? As unique as the billions of people on this planet.
Am I where i want to be? No.

I'm stuck in  a crossroad where all paths seem like dead ends.
I can't get anywhere, mostly because of my circumstances.
I'm stuck.
Very stuck.

There's money.
It's always about money.
There's skill.
A skill that lay so dormant for so long it seems like it's made of rust.
There's family.
And I am responsible for those i love.
There's connections and contacts.
Because, frankly, i don't have any of those.

Then there's me.

'Google something, you idiot! You're bound to get somewhere, right??'
Yes, somewhere.
In a place where you keep clicking until your pointer hurts.
Fine, let's keep clicking.

Where is this post headed, you ask?
I don't know.
This post goes out to all the people out there who don't know where they're going.
Don't know what they're supposed to be.
And don't know who they are, exactly.

You are not alone.
If you're barely holding on.
If you're sick of it all.
If you don't know what to do.

You are not alone.