Becoming A Man of Art..

Wow, this is really nostalgic. The first blog that i made was the one i posted in multiply.com way back January 2, 2009. I was working as a relay agent then, and i think i badly wanted to write down what i felt at that time, because it was crushing me from inside. Yes, i sounded like a loser. But hey, these things happen, right? Getting bumps and bruises along the way is part of our development as people. I have now grown much in my craft, but for memory's sake, here's the blog i wrote back then. Enjoy.:)

. . .

Yeah...

First time i'm gonna be typing down something on this and i really don't know how to start it off..

..Oh well. 

Some really frustrating thought is bothering me right now and it's the first time in a long time that i've really felt pessimisticly negative (yes, i know it's redundant). I've just been browsing deviant art to check out some person's work. Nothing new, just checking out some pictures and drawings on the site. As i go on browsing, though, i begin to realize how good this person was. She is REALLY good. I am not exaggerating. It even came to a point where i was gawking (errr..?) at how good the artwork were. Then my thoughts started to point to myself.
OUCH.

I am a self pronounced artist. I say this because i can draw. But then it hit me and it hit me hard. How many millions of people in the world are better than me? This girl who was not even my age made works of art. i made drawings.

DRAWINGS.

lifeless non-expressive non-artistic drawings. Anime to be exact. There is nothing wrong with anime, mind you, but the ones she made was real ART.

 - i see art as expression and outpouring of a person's soul into things of beauty -

It was a frustrating feeling. It wasn't envy. It was more of self pity. Her works made me feel like some geek who was addicted to anime. My works were nothing compared to hers. I felt like my forte (yes drawing is my forte) was a very mediocre thing. I closed the site. I was on the brink of breaking down.

Just for the record i'm not a pessimist. A pessimist see's things negatively as a HABIT or as part of their character. It's just that i have big dreams, and i still do when it comes to what i do best. But it seems that i still have a very long way to go before i make a mark in that world...

I pray that time will come and i'll look back at this entry and smile, seeing how much i've grown and changed into a real man of art.

Dedma..

Has it ever occured to you that a lot of people resort to the "you do not exist in my world" or "you are dead in my eyes" or "i will completely ignore you even if I die" method when they get mad with someone? These people usually think the best way to show someone they're upset would be to selectively and completely wipe out the existence of a person from their reality. They look through the person as if he or she were invisible, talk to everyone else around the room deliberately without addressing that person, avoid the person as if he or she had a highly contagious disease, and smile as if everything is completely normal, minus that one person.

I had this friend that was also my colleague and we got to talk more in the past month even though she's been around since last year. We weren't really all chummy before basically because we had nothing in common but for some reason, she made an attempt to reach out. And i do not see this as anything flirtatious at any point since she's already married and has a bouncing baby boy. No. Nothing like that. She was just trying to be friendly and I was all out for that. Friends are friends. One more in the bucket wouldn't really hurt, right?

She then started sharing information that i deemed would be inappropriate for public display. That is, she started sharing (way too) personal information to me. It's weird, because as awkward as i found this, I tried my best to take it in without sounding rude or offensive. She was talking about it and asked me things about myself as well. Now, being the good samaritan that I am (and i don't know if this was the right thing to do) I sort of engaged her in the level of conversation that she's giving out. No malice. Just conversation. After all, people are very different from each other, right? I thought this was just another quirk that she shows everybody else. Well, not all of our conversations were like that, eventually it kind of branched out to other topics, and I am very much grateful that this happened. For short, we got to be (sort of) okay friends.

This recent Sunday morning was a sudden turn of events on the so-called-friendship. She texted me as she usually would (with a good morning) and we started talking about a new topic this time which is, unfortunately, my recent ex. I was all good with it, i guess, and answered it as i usually do, blunt and to the point. She told me some details about what she heard about my situation and i merely asked her where she got the information since there were incorrect details about it.

That's when things started to turn sour.

She retaliated with something like this,

 “Enough of the phishing. No need to know exactly who they are. You’re there for the job and so am I. I’ll be keeping my distance from now on since I kinda feel where this conversation is going. T’was nice of you to share some (way too) personal stuff. Thank you, I appreciate it. See you around.”

At that point that she was mad, my bubble also burst. I WAS THE ONE GIVING (WAY TOO PERSONAL INFORMATION?! Really? And how can she reply like that when all i asked was a harmless and friendly question? This really struck a nerve but i was calm enough to confirm if the message was really for me since it really didn't make sense. But she confirmed that it really was for me, i came on the offensive after that, although i wasn't really sure that was the right decision to make.. the response went like,

"thing is, I did not know where that was going and I have no idea where you picked up half of what you said. And I was the one sharing too personal stuff? Really now?:) Well, whatevs. See you.."

What? I was upset, okay? If there's one really serious pet peeve that I have, it's being accused for something that I didn't do. I can be very apologetic and sorry if I was my fault, but if it wasn't and you point your finger at me, boy, you better be ready to spill some blood. In any case, It got really heated up and that's the only reply i came with and she ended the conversation there any then.

I thought about the situation overnight that maybe I didn't handle the situation the right way. Yes, she was very vague and I was got upset really fast because of it; but then i realized I didn't want any awkward situations with my colleague. I decided to reconcile.

I sent her a reconcilliation email and the email basically mentioned that i wanted to patch things up with her and that we should talk. There was even an apology squeezed in there and I thought that was enough to make it work. Unfortunately, the email ended up unanswered and that was an apparent answer of "3 days ago, you died in my eyes," Sad. Sad and awkward.

It's just weird (to me, at least) since I am the type of person who would rather sit down and talk about something in a mature and logical way that just not talking to someone. But you can't expect people to see things the way you would, and that would be the end of the story. A shame, really. All because of a simple text message that she took an offense on. Up until now, I have no idea what set her off. It will be awkward the upcoming days but things will eventually warm down and normalize.:) It just goes back to the time we didn't really talk. But i'm still positive about things, and I hope we can be friends again, or that she at least recognizes my existence.

Uncomfortably Slow..

Newton Faulkner

Travelling again
I know exactly how it's gonna end
The routine day dream starts as I get off
I'm holding up the queue
Because my ticket won't go through
I know it should be simple but it's not

So don't take my photograph
Cos I don't wanna know how it looks
To feel like this
As cars and people pass
It feels like standing still but I know
I'm just moving uncomfortably slow

Something's gotta change
I know i'm lucky in a lot of ways
So why do I want more
Than what I have?
Brace myself to hear the lies
I wonder if they know that I
Don't get the jokes but I just
Need to laugh

So don't take my photograph
Cos I don't wanna know how it looks
To feel like this
As cars and people pass
It feels like standing still but I know
I'm just moving uncomfortably slow

I'm just moving uncomfortably
Slow down
There's infinite detail
When you break it down
It all becomes simple how
It all becomes clearer now

So don't take my photograph
Cos I don't wanna know how it looks
To feel like this
As cars and people pass
It feels like standing still but I know
I'm just moving sub-consciously
One day I guess i'll be
The man that you think you see
I'm just moving uncomfortably
Slow.