Raindrops..

The rainy season has always been my favorite over summer - cold temperatures mean easier sleep, a more pleasant feeling while traveling, plus there's just something about the way raindrops sound when they hit your roof. I love rain. I can run around without umbrella and just enjoy getting soaked by the small droplets of water. Call it emotional or whatever you want. I'm an artist. I have the perfect excuse to act weird.

As lovely as the rains are, there's also another something to it that makes me not want it at certain times - The sadness it invokes. When it rains, it seems like a time when the heavens are mourning and depending on how you are at the moment, it can feel like it's mourning with you. The cold it brings sucks out all the warmth that's left in you and you end up freezing inside. The small raindrops can drown out the sound of everything else around you and you feel like you're the only one in the world. There's just so much about it that makes you feel lonely.

This morning, i woke up feeling really cold, drained, and just plain empty and scared for i don't know what reason. Our ceiling is bare, and you can audibly hear the patter of the rain on our roof, filling my senses as it welcomes me back to reality. I didn't have what it took to get up right away so i took my time lying down in bed and tried to muster enough strength to sit upright. Was it the hangover of a really weird dream? Maybe. Was it the feeling of guilt for not going to work last night? Possibly. Was it the feeling of being left alone by someone who you thought was going to be there forever? Hmmm. Maybe it's a mix of all these. I finally got the chance to pull myself together to go to the bank to pick up some money. I didn't even feel like having breakfast. (I haven't eaten a morsel up until now and i still don't feel like eating). I got home numb and cold but i was still pretty much okay. Then i went online just to write down how I was feeling and just a few moments ago, I read something that totally changed the way this blog was supposed to turn out. . .

I am feeling devastated, and the rain is only adding in to the pain. Drop after drop after drop of pain comes pouring in to flood my already ruined heart. Excruciating would not be enough to describe the emotion that is here right now. I am shaking. I am cold. I am hurt. There's no other way to put it. The funny thing is, I'm not even crying, as if all the tears that need to come out are already being cried by they dark, gloomy skies. The sorrow and pain seem like eternity, with no end in sight. I can barely hold on to the harsh reality of things, wanting to just let go and fade away. . .

Please let it go away. . .

There's always sunshine after the rain, and it's the truth no matter how much of a cliche it sounds. I can only endure until that time comes, when i can go around with a real smile on my face again. God knows how much I would like to get patched up, but it just seems like a long ways off when you're heart's shattered into a million pieces and you are the only one picking them up. . .