Regrets and Counting..

This post goes out to you..
A most precious person i've hurt beyond measurable pain..
A person who do most likely won't be able to read this..


I WAS WRONG.

I was selfish and blinded at that time, looking at the prize in front of me instead of saving something that was more worthwhile. What could have been a beautiful friendship desintegrated into nothing because of my actions. I betrayed you, spit on the wound i caused and drove you to the ground without considering what you were going through. Had I been in your stead, I  might have done the unspeakable to hurt you back.


YOU WERE RIGHT.

There was nothing wrong with the way you acted. I pretended to be callous, to be insensitive to your hate, but I knew that you were right all along; the spite you had for me was well deserved. You did nothing wrong, and you were merely trying to get back on your feet.


I AM SORRY.

I've said this a million times before, and i meant it every single time. I've no excuse for hurting you, no reason to deny whatever i did, because I know I was wrong, and that's how it is. Every time I remember you, I see myself as less of a person, knowing I did what I did. I was a jerk, to say the least, and I deserve more than the anger you threw at me.

You will never be able to read this, and there's no way you will ever forgive me for what I did. But I hope, wherever you are, you meet someone who makes my wrongs right, and restores you and gets your beautiful soul back together to how it was. You are beautiful, much more than you know. We were never meant to be, but that much, I am sure of.

I can never take back anything that I did, but just so you'd know, if it's any consolation at all. I will carry regret in my heart all my life, for the pain that I've caused you.

Predictable..

A friend once told me that the word PREDICTABLE was one of the worst words you can use to describe a girl. She had a point, and one that is full of wisdom. Predictability is one of the last things a girl wants to be, right?

That means you're a given. You can be taken for granted. You are not special.

I'm an artist, or so i say.
Am I weird? Some people I only think I am.
Am I unique? As unique as the billions of people on this planet.
Am I where i want to be? No.

I'm stuck in  a crossroad where all paths seem like dead ends.
I can't get anywhere, mostly because of my circumstances.
I'm stuck.
Very stuck.

There's money.
It's always about money.
There's skill.
A skill that lay so dormant for so long it seems like it's made of rust.
There's family.
And I am responsible for those i love.
There's connections and contacts.
Because, frankly, i don't have any of those.

Then there's me.

'Google something, you idiot! You're bound to get somewhere, right??'
Yes, somewhere.
In a place where you keep clicking until your pointer hurts.
Fine, let's keep clicking.

Where is this post headed, you ask?
I don't know.
This post goes out to all the people out there who don't know where they're going.
Don't know what they're supposed to be.
And don't know who they are, exactly.

You are not alone.
If you're barely holding on.
If you're sick of it all.
If you don't know what to do.

You are not alone.

If..

You were a bunch of crickets talking, and all of you suddenly became silent, what would you hear chirping in the background?

Honored..

A song you have made,has reached my ears.

beautiful and glorious,

i listen to it and i hear your heart.

tender and loving, A fitting gift.

I think me unworthy,

not deserving of this honor.

That something so precious to you,

was placed in the palm of my hands.

With words you soothe my soul,

with your touch all the colors pour forth.

WIth a whisper you melt my being.

And build it up again with an embrace.

I look into your eyes and smile,

A smile that comes as often as a blue moon.

You have roused me from my sleep,

and you left a mark that cannot be undone.

You have changed me, 

And I am forever ni debt.

You will always remind me how this life is worth living.

You have honored me with your being.

Bungkal..

Habang ako'y bumabyahe pauwe mula sa trabaho isang araw (lunes ata un), napansin ko nalang na ang isang kalye na madalas kong nadadaanan ay nabungkal na, bitak-bitak, at may ilang katao na nagmimistulang "umaayos" dito. Sinubukan kong tandaan ang sira ng naturang kalsada at wala akong matandaan. Mukang maayos naman cia dati at nagagampanan ang layunin ng isang kalsada. Ilang araw ang nakalipas at napansin ko na nagsimula naring bungkalin ang marami pang ibang kalye sa Maynila. 

Dun ko napatunayan na nalalapit na ang eleksyon.

Ang "pag-aayos" ng kalsada ay isa lamang sa maraming sintomas ng eleksyong paparating. Ito ang isa sa mga biglaan o maagang napupuna sapagkat ito ay nagmimistulang malaking karatula: imposibleng hindi mo ito mapansin dahil apektado ang dadaanan mo. And sunod mong mapapansin ay ang signboard na nagsasabing ginagawa ang naturang kalye (talaga? hindi obyus?) na may kasamang pangalan ng taong nagpagawa nito - Ang taong nangangampanya.

Nakakasuka, kung tatanungin mo ko, sapagkat napaka-garapal lang talaga. Ipinagsisigawan ng mga proyektong ito ang napaka-halatang pagpapakitang-gilas at pagpapasikat. Napakadaming panahon na maaaring mag-ayos ng kalsada. Madaming taong ang lumipas na niragasa tayo ng bagyo at binaha. Maraming bahay ang nasira, maraming gamit ang tinangay. Oo, kasalanan din ng mga taong nagtatapon ng basura sa kalye nang walang pakundangan, pero ano ba naman yan! Yung dahilan ba ng pag-papaayos ng kalsada ay ngayon lang napansin? Kung hindi man baha ang dahilan at kondisyon lang ng kalsada, naman-naman..Matino pa yang kalye na "ginagawa" ninyo! At yan din ung parehas na kalye na "ginawa" ninyo ilang taon lang ang nakalipas - ilang taon, kamo? Ung dami ng taon mula nung huling eleksyon.

Kung tutuusin, magandang istratehiya yan kung gusto talagang mapansin ng mga botante. Pero tandaan, natututo din ang tao. Tumatalino din ang mga botante *crosses fingers* and nagsisimula nang mag-isip. Ako'y umaasa na ang mga raket na ganito ay di na gagana nang basta basta sa mga tao at mapipili na talaga natin ang mga kandidato na taos-pusong magsisilbi sa mga kababayan.

Nga pala, sampol lang ung larawan sa itaas. Di yan ung kalye. Hehe.

Puppy Love..

Her name is Okane. Small. Dark as a shadow. Strong and adventurous. Mischievous, and Loaded with enough energy to power up the whole country.

Oh, and she's my pet puppy, and I love her.

Every time I've been going home for the the past 5 months have been the best each and every time. I open that door and i would always see that light on her eyes as her tail wags unendingly in delight. The way she jumps up and down shows how much she wants to convey excitement that i've arrived. I guess that emotion you get someone misses you and can't wait to show love is a feeling all dog owners have the privelege of getting. All the weariness and stress you felt the whole day suddenly drains off as she starts licking at you and giving you that "face". If they said in surveys that dog owners lived happier and fuller lives, i wouldn't doubt that a single bit.

Puppy love is very much different from the way people do. It is unselfish, devoted and loyal. Urgent and patient. It is pure. You cannot compare it to anything else, i guess, especially when it is shown with those adorable eyes. I guess that's why they call children's affection puppy love. It is untainted and can never be corrupted by anything in this world. That is why they call a person who's loyalty never falters as a puppy of of another. They cannot be bribed against the hand that raised them. And this is why it's so amazing.

She's 5 months, more or less a child in dog years, but just about to hit her teens. Right now she is always full of energy and always running around and destroying stuff (i admit. I'm poor when it comes to dog training) and i hope, besides the destroying part, she stays that way until her later years.

Ang Huling Paglipad..

Ang Haribon.

Hari ng mga ibon.

Maestro ng himpapawid.

Panganib at kagandahan na lumilipad.

Ito ang aking paboritong ibon at hayop. Para sa akin, ito ang isa sa pinakamagandang nilalang ng ating Panginoon sa mundong ito. Ang kanyang pangalan, pinaikli mula sa mga salitang "haring ibon", ay tunay nga namang naaayon at karapat-dapat na itawag sa kanya. Wala nang mas gaganda pa sa ibon na ito.

 Ang kanyang tuka ay walang kasing talas at dilim; tinatago ng taglay nitong ganda ang lakas ng bawat kagat at ang panganib na dala nito sa kanyang mga biktima. Ang kanyang mga pakpak ay maikli, malapad at matikas - tamang-tama sa pagkilos nang maliksi at walang-hirap sa mga masukal na kakahuyan na siya niyang hinaharian. Ang katawan niya ay malakas ngunit magaan, katangi-tangi sa isang atleta na lumilipad. Ang dilim ng kanyang tuka ay tinatalo lamang ng kulay ng kanyang kuko, na kayang pumatay sa isang iglap ng kahit anong sa tingin niya'y pagkaen. Ang buntot niya ay malakas din at maliksi at gamit niya sa mga mabilisang liko at preno. Ang lahat ng ito ay katangian ng hari na walang katulad..

Ngunit - ang pinaka-natatangi sa lahat, ay ang kayang walang kaparis at walang kasing gandang korona.

Ang mga pluma sa kanyang ulo ay mistulang korona na nagpapatindi sa taglay niyang kamaharlikhaan. Ito'y naihahalintutulad sa balahibo ng leon, na siya rin tinatawag na hari ng mga hayop. Ang Haribon na nakatindig ang korona ay walang kasing dakila at walang kasing tapang ang dating. Kung pwede lang makapatay ang tingin, dun palang ay wala nang natirang buhay sa harapan niya.

Mapanganib. Malakas. Maganda. Maharlikha. Lahat ng ito ay nararapat na salita sa hari ng himpapawid. 

Sa kasamaang palad, ang ibon na kilabot ng lahat ng hayop sa buong pilipinas ay siya rin nanganganib na mawala sa kaharian nito. Ang panganib ay galing sa tanging ibang hayop na kayang limipol sa kanya - ang tao. Sa dami ng problema ng lipunan ngayon, may mga bagay na nangangailangan ng atensyon ng bayan ang tuluyan nang naibaon sa alaala ng buong lahing Pilipino, liban nalang ng iilang bilang na katao. Isa dito ang kalagayan ng ating pambansang ibon, na bilang nalang ang natira sa kaparangan. Kung susumahin ang estado ng populasyon ng Haribon sa pilipinas, masasabing ito ay naghihingalo at halos wala nang pulso. Halos patay na, at nakasalalay nalang sa kamay ng ilang kataong may malasakit and hindi pa nakakalimot.

Nakakalungkot isipin na ganito ang dinadanas ng pambansang ibon. Nakakalungkot. Nakakatakot.

Lumipas na ang panahon na kayang lumipad nang malaya ng Haribon sa himpapawid ng bansa. Maaaring dumating ang araw na dumating ang huling paglipad nito nang hindi manlang namamalayan ng mga tao. Sa kasamaang-palad, maaaring dumaan na pala ang araw na ito.

A Running Headstart..

My first blog for the whole of 2013 has never felt so good!

A new start, a new year, a new adventure - not to mention a new haircut. The beginning of the year is usually the time when people start making resolutions they know they will break, and setting plans that will never come to fruition. The reason I mention this - is that I, myself, have been very guilty for doing the very same for the past few 26 years of my life. I've always been very good in starting things and not finishing them. These range from my personal projects to my career and even to my various relationships. You can look at my sketchpad and see more than half of the things drawn there unfinished - probably that way forever. You can ask various people in church for the previous ministries i have left hanging. You can listen to the various promises I have made to myself and to others and you might not even witness them come true within this lifetime..

As much as I would like to attribute this to me being an artist, it's become too atrophic and destructive to my life for me to simply ignore and do nothing about. I've already gone past the first half of my life, assuming that I live up to 50, and I've I haven't really achieved any of the things that I've planned for myself at this age. I remember telling myself when I was 20 - and I was so confident about it - that I'd have my own place and my own car by 25. I don't even know how to drive yet, I barely have enough savings, let alone I live in my parents' house (although i believe the latter is something I've no choice on). I personally believe that in my current position, there is no other way but up, and i will not be allowing this old habit of mine to hold me down any longer. This time, things will be different.

How different, you say?

First of all, I've put it all in God's hands. The Lord has said in His word that when you commit to Him whatever you do, and your plans will succeed (Proverbs 16:3). Believe it or not, My plans are no longer mine. I have set things I want to achieve this year, I have prayed for them, but I am allowing the Lord to move them as He wills so long as it's for His glory. These plans are not idle, just so you know, and I am not one to lie on my back and wait for things to work out. The Lord also has said in His Word that He blesses those who work hard (Proverbs 12:11). I will be working hard and doing my part, glorifying the Lord in my job, working towards the plans I have set,l but I will let Him sway my plans as He sees fit.

Second, I've written down my plans this time around. I have learned the past year that "plans" that aren't written aren't really plans, just fantasies. Now that I've had them all scripted down, I am engraving them into my mind and giving the said goals a timeline/deadline. It may seem like a trivial factor, but having your plans in paper can make all the difference.

Lastly, I have involved people in my plans so that I can be accountable to them regarding following through. With others included, I would have constant reminders for me to stay on track and finish what I have begun. As with the Israelites, the nature of man would be to forget what is not always seen or felt. Plans and goals are the same. If you don't have someone reminding you what you're supposed to do and where you currently are, they will soon be lost in memory and you will have changed course long before you notice.

 Things are looking very bright from this angle, indeed, and I'm ready to put it all on the line, not pulling any stops. I have offered this year to the Lord and I know things will be different this time around. All of the things I've mentioned should allow the comes to come into fruition, and I know as long as I remain in Him and abide in His plans, I would be bearing much fruit. And now that I have all these in my blog, this should serve as a last countermeasure to remind me that I, at the beginning of the year, felt this way and was this determined. I will not let myself waver.

All glory and honor be to you, Lord! Para sa inyo lahat 'to!

Oh, and it looks like I'll be blogging once a week now thanks to Kitty. Whew. Let's do this, then.